Vlogs, Blogs & Clogs

So, here’s what I know:  I’m a better writer than I am a vlogger. 😉   At least, that’s what I believe to be true,  A little over a month ago, I decided that it might be easier to just do a vlog instead of a blog. Why?  Well, so few folks actually read what I wrote that I thought perhaps I was just clogging up my blog with too much information.  So, I pared it down to just my interest in history, and haunted history of course, and created a vlog.

A blog is a written journal, article, online scrapbook about a certain topic.  A vlog is a video version, usually posted on You Tube, of a blog.  And a clog….a clog is when the pipes are stopped up and nothing can get in, out, up or down.   I guess you could say that I kind of felt like a clog in my blog.

Ok….enough with the rhyming. 😉  My point is that, while the vlog will continue, I’m also going back to writing. It is my love and my passion.  And I do have a lot to share.   But….I still feel clogged.

Recently, my vlog led me on a journey of what I thought would be self-discovery.  I started vlogging about the Trail of Tears locations and history in Eastern Tennessee, North Georgia, Western North Carolina…and a little about Alabama.  I started off at what I read was considered the start of the Trail:  Red Clay State Park, here in Tennessee.  While there, I learned quite a bit–both on and off camera. And I realized somewhere in my learning, that I was missing out on something. I just had a feeling that I was.  But I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what.

The next day, I attended a lecture about Cherokee Genealogy and met some absolutely fascinating people. So welcoming, so happy to share their knowledge. I felt so welcome.  The last time I felt that way was with my Soul Family in MA.  Everyone was so open and welcoming of me and I wasn’t used to that at all.  So, when I encounter that feeling now…I know that it is another way that Spirit is validating for me that I’m on the right path.

I didn’t have to try at all to fit in with these people.  They welcomed me in, invited me to events, told me to keep vlogging…etc. It was so humbling.  And I realized right then what I was missing:   community.  I always try so hard to just fit in and to be accepted. I think it’s because I tried so hard to do that same thing both with my step-father’s family growing up, and then with my father’s family when I met them as a teenager.  I never really fit in anywhere.

My father and I even joined the Eastern Lenape Band and went through the ceremonies together and everything…and it was not only an attempt by both of us to have more in  common and grow closer together with something that was just ours. But, it was also an attempt by me to have some sense of belonging and fitting in….somewhere.   My Father and I have many things that only he and I did together….mostly in an effort to really get to know one another and grow closer.  But, even up until that lecture…I felt like I just needed somewhere to fit in.

So I asked Spirit to help me out.  Now, the only thing about asking for help from my Team in Spirit is that they don’t really do subtle. It is in my face, raw, and powerful….and unmistakable.  And it happened the very next day.  Sufficed to say that there was absolutely no room for mistakes or misinterpretation.  And, even though I lost my temper and flew off the handle and made a couple of my own mistakes in the way I handled things–the message was clear.

And here it was:  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TRY TO FIT IN! STOP IT!!! RIGHT NOW!!!

And Roman, my Master Guide, added:  “You must understand that you shouldn’t have to try. It either is or it isn’t. Don’t make it grey when the answer is very clearly one of only two choices.”
It wasn’t easy, and truthfully I walked away from that situation with a completely disillusioned and shattered heart. But, once I finally realized that I was clearly avoiding the obvious answer–that I didn’t have to try so hard to fit in with people–I felt like I could take a deep breath for the first time in….decades.

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling better than I think I have ever felt. There was no nagging urge, no need to allow a negative pattern to inhibit my intention for the day. I felt like I’d been washed brand new.   I even made a Facebook post, encouraging people of this:  you are perfect, you don’t have to try and fit in.  You were born to stand out.

The bottom line is pretty simple:  if you love yourself, that is all you need.  If you are being your true, authentic self–and not some other version of yourself created to make other people feel better about you–then you will never, ever have a need to fit in.

The Law of Attraction stated plainly is this:  “like attracts like.”  If you feel like you have to try to fit in, or work to gain acceptance, or change yourself in any way just to make yourself feel some semblance of community, that is not being your true self.  And you will attract falseness:  false love, false acceptance (you know what that is, it’s like when people are nice to your face and then talk behind your back about “Oh my God, she is trying TOO hard. She’s crazy!”), false people (you know the ones, they have more than one face 😉    ), etc…

By the same token, if you love yourself and that inner love shines through….then you will attract people who will naturally welcome you, as what happened at the Cherokee lecture on Sunday.  It was a pretty amazing feeling. Unconditional. And awesome.

I started on this Trail of Tears journey for two reasons:  I wanted to learn the history, and I wanted to learn something about myself.  Other than the history that my Father and Grandfather shared with me about their family, I know very little.  So, I also saw this journey  as a possible avenue to learn more. I’ve been asking for family trees and information and stories for years and it will never happen.  Instead, I’ll surrender to Spirit and let them go on this journey with me.    What I discovered, though, was pretty eye-opening:  this history has more to do with my Mom’s side of the family!  LOL   That was pretty mind-blowing, actually, because I never think about Mom being Native American.

Just another lesson from Spirit. 😉

I don’t have to try and fit in. I make my own path of Grace. And I choose to walk it gently, proudly, and with the expectation that as long as I stay true to myself….love will guide me.

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